Fuck love.

I think this might be the best thing I have ever drawn.

I love it right now anyway, I'll probably hate it tomorrow. Feel like I'm channelling Steve Zissou with that hat/shirt combo - it was unintentional, I swear!

It was ably aided by the greatest hits of Ash which I listened to while drawing it, I think maybe Clones has overtaken Goldfinger as my favourite Ash song... But now I'm listening to Twilight of the Innocents and it's epic as fuck and I just want to yell and listen to those strings foreverrrrr!

"I'm still breathing, my heart's still beating."

Remember this.

Ruiner of lives, destroyer of worlds

I have been here before.

Explanation: I upset at least three (3) people over the weekend at Thought Bubble and lots of things are now pretty shitty and I feel like an ass. Who am I to be upset at someone else's happiness?! Idiot.

Anyway, Thought Bubble was actually pretty great for the most part, there was dancing and carousels (you know I love them), and I bought expensive books so now can't buy any food for the rest of the month, erk. And a lovely boy who I think I treated like shit even though he is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Unfortunately I was lame to my best friend, and it turns out we are both more than a little fucked-up by our ex-boyfriend (long story) which goes to show what a complete ass he was and how similar we are in so many ways. Ugh.

Every time I come back from one of these cons I am always so pumped up for drawing and always vow to come back the next year with a table and lots of stuff to sell. Well this year I am TOTALLY doing it, look I've started already. But the problem is that I don't know what people like.. Like, who would pay money for that drawing of myself up there, that makes no sense without an explanation or if you're not me. I have no idea where to start and my imagination has always been awful. I must not give up though.

I want to move away again. Somewhere better than Weymouth. By better I mean full of more opportunities. I am stagnating here and I don't want to live here all my life.

Also, I have accidental pink hair right now, which is absolutely awesome - thank you cheap red hair dye.

This post has been brought to you by the emo-est girl ever.

Spiralling.

I don't know what the above is about. Experimenting with big dark spaces, I think.

flats & boys & friends & jobs

Can't decide which one I like best. This is basically me today. Really struggling to find a decent flat in this area for my price range, which is really getting me down.. So therefore I'm thinking about moving away to an area where I CAN afford a place, which means looking for another job which leads to MORE stress because I have no idea if the skills I have are actually useful to anyone. I need the exact job I have now, but somewhere else and for more money! I was thinking about Bristol, because it was so nice there when I visited Anna and Rob - like a city but not really, if you get what I mean? Not London, I don't like London.

My friend has pissed me off and I can't really avoid her so I'll probably just be seething for the next few days.

Oh, and I can't move because I'm too scared to leave the boy. But then I HAVE to move so I can finally get over the boy...

Going to try and draw every day now, even if it's just stupid emo shit like this.

cloud

Still alive. In transit.

Ack, I haven't updated in forever, I am sorry. I do have excuses though. I went on holiday to Spain for ten days, and almost died of sheer boredom. Seriously, it was the worst "holiday" I have ever been on. We weren't in walking distance of the beach or anywhere to go during the day - basically it was lie by the pool or do nothing. I literally spent 95% of my time there sat in the shade reading on my Kindle. It felt like such a waste of time and money and ugh I wish I hadn't gone, I knew beforehand that it wouldn't be my kind of thing but I went anyway. At least I now have memories of flying which I didn't have before as the last time I went on a plane was when I was six.

So I came back and decided to move out! Which was way overdue to be honest and I'm so glad I'm doing it, I was getting super unhappy living here and unhappiness is bad. I'm moving back in with my mum, which is fine for now, until I can save up some money to hopefully get another place. But wow do I have more stuff than I thought. I'm going to a car boot sale on Sunday morning to try and shift it and get some moolah, and maybe find some treasures. Must not get distracted by shiny things.

BUT the most exciting thing about this weekend is the fact that I AM GETTING AN IPHONE TOMORROW! I know right, welcome to 2009. Seriously, I have been locked into my current contract for what feels like twelve years and I am so happy I am finally allowed to get one, I have been squealing like a tiny pig all week. App recommendations are appreciated.

I'm upset/angry about the announcement that the BBC have lost the rights to all Formula 1 races.. It's like the only sport I watch and I love watching it on a big TV, and now I'm probably going to be forced to watch it online as I don't have Sky Sports and I refuse to buy it JUST for F1. I mean, my monitor isn't small by any means, but it's just not the same.

I must get back to packing. If anyone knows a burly guy who can disassemble an Ikea bed please send them round.

Help.

Right, I am still alive. I've just been incredibly busy lately. And I'm going on holiday in a few days - to Spain, and I'm not looking forward to it at all for a number of reasons. Pretty sure I need to move out of here too, but I have nowhere to go and no money so I am stuck here, crying over cakes. I might screw up my dance show tomorrow on purpose.

I have been drawing, the odd doodle here and there, trying to get faces and expressions right. Nothing really worth scanning and posting on here though.

I have also become shamelessly addicted to the new MTV show Teen Wolf, it is SUCH a guilty pleasure because it is barely any good, but for some reason I love it. Speaking of which I have one more episode to watch before I am all caught up so I am going to do that now!

Where this blog turns into some kind of emo diary..

I've decided it's safer just to stay indoors and watch DVDs. I tried drawing something awesome today but I just can't get it right and I ended up getting really frustrated and threw my sketchbook aside with a wail. Man I do not know how people can draw whole strips daily, it blows my mind. I can barely get out a doodle each day. I promise I'll have something to show tomorrow. Also, I don't know if it's good or bad to look at other artists' work. I mean, on one hand I guess I can learn a lot and I enjoy it, but on the other hand it makes me realise that I will never catch up to them and I am just not as good. I have no idea how to do facial expressions or hands or feet or practically anything! I need some kind of drawing-sensei.

After some pretty terrifying news at work today I have realised I have little-to-no skills for use in the real world, apart from being able to design Medical Supplies catalogues and touch up photos and design banners in Photoshop. I am bracing my head to meet the chopping block.

I had something else written here but I deleted it because it was petty and obvious. Come on, I can do better than that. Don't let it get to you, self.

Wallowing

Ack, emo day!

Sometimes I think the Internet is the worse thing ever invented, because boy does it make me upset often. Pretty sure I used to be okay with myself/life before I wandered onto the World Wide Web. I also may have been like 15 but still. If I hadn't have read that.. if I hadn't have seen that photo, then perhaps I wouldn't be so fucked up and I could just GET ON WITH MY LIFE without thinking that everyone out there is better than me. There's just something about sitting alone at your computer and reading a couple of lines of text that feel like a punch to the gut.. I get this all the time. Maybe I should just wipe everything and start again, start afresh, and forget about the things that hurt me. Argh, stop thinking, brain!

Yup, today's drawing is unsurprisingly this.

When sad, draw.

I have super low self-esteem. Fact. I am way too over-sensitive. Fact. I take more or less everything personally. Fact. All of these things lead to me crying almost every single day. So I have decided that instead of getting upset (usually about things that may not even be about me) I am going to focus on drawing instead. Apparently my stars for this month in Elle magazine said that I should embrace creativity and within six months someone awesome will happen with it (not those exact words), so here's me giving it a giant bear hug.

It's a dragon drinking tea and eating a crumpet. I know the background is awful, I struggled with the levels and it went a bit patchy and yellow, but it's all practice!

And omg I finished Season One of Fringe and.. I won't spoil it for you here but let's just say - my mind, it was blown.